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5 tips for adults to empower girls
All of us can positively impact how girls see themselves and their possibilities. Here are five tips—rooted in research—to get you started. Each tip comes with practical recommendations for what you can say and do, as well as conversation starters to help you connect and tackle important topics together.
Tip 1
Get Real with Girls
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What’s Happening Now
The world is still stacked against girls, but this is rarely discussed. On top of this, the “girl power” narrative leads many girls to believe that gender inequality is a thing of the past.1 This leads girls to blame themselves when they face bias and barriers—and to internalize harmful stereotypes about what girls can and can't do.2 That’s why it’s so important we address these issues head on: it can be an antidote to girls blaming themselves and can help promote their self-esteem.3
What You Can Do
We need to get real with girls, early and often. This means surfacing the unfair messages and systems around us and speaking up when you see bias in action.4 If girls are judged for their appearance or overlooked for a leadership role, unpack the stereotypes behind these experiences. And when a girl expresses sadness or frustration for being treated unfairly, validate her feelings and explain that it is not a reflection of who she is or what she is capable of.
See It in Action
When a teen is upset because only boys are picked as team captains in PE, point out—and challenge—the biased message that girls aren’t athletic, aren’t good leaders, or both.
When a girl questions why her computer science class is mostly boys, name the false assumption that boys 'like' STEM more or are 'better' at it than girls. Point out that girls like her are trailblazers helping to change this.
When girls are judged for their appearance or what they’re wearing, remind them they are not responsible for how people react to their bodies. Their abilities matter more than how they look.
Start a Conversation
How do you see the girls around you being treated unfairly? How does that make you feel?
Do you feel pressure from people at school or on social media to look a certain way? Do you think girls feel this pressure more than boys? How do you feel about that?
If you could wave a magic wand, what’s one thing you would change about the way people treat you? What about the way I treat you?
Tip 2
Celebrate Leading Her Way
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What’s Happening Now
When girls believe in their leadership abilities, it is easier for them to see themselves as leaders. But too often we don’t celebrate girls when they take a collaborative and empathetic approach to leading—as if this style of leadership doesn’t count.5 And when girls do lead assertively, we often tell them they should “tone it down.”6 Ask yourself when was the last time you corrected a boy who boldly spoke up or took the lead versus the last time you corrected a girl who did the same.
What You Can Do
We need to blow up the traditional “command and control” definition of leadership and celebrate all the ways that girls lead every day: whether a girl quietly helps a friend or takes charge on a school project. And we need to make sure we don’t inadvertently signal that girls shouldn’t have strong opinions or assert themselves. Better yet, we should encourage our girls to be bold.
See It in Action
When a girl stands up for someone being teased or invites a new student to sit with her at lunch, don’t just say that was a “nice” thing to do. Explain that values like being inclusive and caring are key traits of successful leaders.
When girls speak their minds with passion or intensity, make space for them to express themselves their way—and avoid saying or doing anything that communicates it’s not welcome. Let them openly explore the kind of leaders they want to be.
Look for and celebrate all forms of leadership—from praising girls for putting the extra effort into learning something new to cheering them on when they take to social media or protest at school for a cause they care about.
Start a Conversation
At the start of each week, ask a girl one way she plans to practice leading. Share your own leadership plan as well. The following week, check in and ask/answer the following questions:
How did practicing leadership make you feel?
What was your biggest challenge?
If either of you didn't follow through with your plan, share with each other what got in your way.
Tip 3
Blow Up Gender Norms—Within Her and Yourself
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What’s Happening Now
Girls internalize gender roles based on what they observe at home, at school, and in books, toys, shows, ads, and video games.7 These outdated gender norms—such as men are assertive and women are collaborative—limit the possibilities girls see for themselves: by middle school, over half of girls believe boys are better at some jobs.8 This also makes them less likely to pursue activities or classes that appear to be for “boys only” and diminishes their confidence in their leadership abilities.9
What You Can Do
You have an important role to play in challenging gender norms. This starts with mixing up toys, chores, and activities, and encouraging girls to pursue stereotypical “boy things” like computer science or skateboarding.10 It means watching the language you use to describe people: girls can be just as brave as boys, and men can be just as caring as women. It also means modeling the right behavior ourselves. When women advocate for themselves and take risks, girls are more likely to develop their own courage.11 And when men do their fair share of household work, girls learn equality and partnership.12
See It in Action
When it’s time to clean up after art class, don’t let the boys take off while the room is still a mess, leaving the girls to stay and help. Explain that both boys and girls should do their fair share of cleaning.
Find ways to celebrate work in all its forms. Women who work outside the home can talk about why it’s rewarding. Men can explain why helping out at home is a top priority for them. Couples can also share household responsibilities equally—and explain why this matters.
When you see women succeed in spaces typically dominated by men—whether they’re winning motocross races or leading missions to Mars—share this proudly with girls, and use it as an opportunity to talk about the importance of girls leading their way.
Start a Conversation
How do the women or girls in the movies we recently watched dress? What about how they act? Does that change how you want to look or act yourself? How do you feel about that?
What are some activities that boys do more than girls or girls do more than boys? Why do you think that is?
Why do you think there has never been a woman president in the U.S.?
Tip 4
Reframe How You Talk About Risks and Failure
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What’s Happening Now
Girls are often socialized to care more about what people think than boys are.13 This can lead girls to take fewer risks because they're worried about failing—but risk taking is good for girls. It helps build skills, boosts confidence, increases independence, and strengthens their decision-making abilities.14
What You Can Do
Help girls get comfortable taking risks by talking openly about the chances you’ve taken. Instead of talking about what could go wrong when taking a risk, frame your discussions around what could go right and what succeeding would feel like. Share stories of your own failures and how they helped you learn and grow—and sometimes even created unexpected opportunities for you.
See It in Action
When a girl loses a game or scores poorly on a test, validate her frustration, but also ask her what she learned and plans on doing differently next time.
When a girl criticizes herself for making a mistake, ask her, “What would you say to your best friend if she made a similar mistake?” She is likely being too hard on herself and should treat herself with the same kindness she treats her friends.
When you’re with girls, model taking positive risks yourself, like trying to skateboard for the first time or talking openly about a decision to take a job in a new industry.
Start a Conversation
Teens can push back against limiting messages around risks and failure by recognizing these setbacks as normal and opportunities to grow. Encourage open conversations with girls on these topics by grounding conversations about risks with these questions in mind.
What did you learn from taking that risk? What did you enjoy about it?
Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, can you tell me what could go right?
Would you have done anything differently if mistakes were no big deal?
Tip 5
Encourage Her to Set Bold and Healthy Goals
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What’s Happening Now
Girls are held to a higher standard than boys and experience more external pressure related to their appearance, their grades, and their friendships.15 This often leads them to put unhealthy pressure on themselves and set the unrealistic goal of excelling in almost everything they do.
What You Can Do
Reflect on whether the way you communicate with girls about success may be fueling the pressure they feel to succeed. Encourage girls to consider what goals are really important to them (as opposed to important to others) and explain why “good enough” on things that aren’t a top priority can be a sound approach. Also, be mindful of girls' behavior. If a girl avoids trying new things or obsesses over small errors, you may want to talk openly with her about how pressure and her own unrealistic expectations are holding her back.
See It in Action
If a girl already understands the material in a class and is on track for the grade she wants, explain why doing “fine” on the next assignment is okay. By giving her permission to step back, she can focus her attention and effort on other priorities.
When picking a girl up from soccer practice, don’t ask, “How many goals did you score?” Instead ask, “Did you have fun today?”
When a girl compares herself to other teens on social media, encourage her to unfollow the people who are impossibly perfect. And remind her that she doesn’t need to worry about pleasing others or living up to impossible standards.
Start a Conversation
What’s something you are working on where “good enough” will lead to the same result as “perfect”?
Do you ever feel I’m holding you to too high a standard?
How would you set your goals differently if there was no pressure to live up to others’ expectations?
Footnotes
1
Pamela Bettis, Nicole C. Ferry, and Mary Roe, “Lord of the Guys: Alpha Girls and the Post-Feminist Landscape of American Education,” Gender Issues 33, no. 2 (2016): 163–81, doi:10.1007/s12147-016-9153-x; Pamela J. Bettis and Nicole Ferry, “Discourses of Adolescence and Gender in the United States,” Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Education (New York: Oxford University Press, 2018); Shauna Pomerantz, Rebecca Raby, and Andrea Stefanik, “Girls Run the World? Caught Between Sexism and Postfeminism in School,” Gender & Society 27, no. 2 (2013), doi:10.1177/0891243212473199.
2
Kingsley M. Schroeder and Lynn S. Liben, "Felt Pressure to Conform to Cultural Gender Roles: Correlates and Consequences," Sex Roles 84, nos. 3–4 (2021); Christia Spears Brown and Ellen A. Stone, “Gender Stereotypes and Discrimination: How Sexism Impacts Development,” Advances in Child Development and Behavior, vol. 50 (Cambridge, MA: Academic Press, 2016).
3
Daan Scheepers and Naomi Ellemers, “Social Identity Theory,” Social Psychology in Action (Cham, Switzerland: Springer Nature Switzerland, 2019), https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-13788-5_9; Christia Spears Brown and Ellen A. Stone, “Gender Stereotypes and Discrimination: How Sexism Impacts Development,” Advances in Child Development and Behavior, vol. 50 (Cambridge, MA: Academic Press, 2016); Sarah K. Murnen and Linda Smolak, “Are Feminist Women Protected from Body Image Problems? A Meta-Analytic Review of Relevant Research,” Sex Roles 60, nos. 3–4 (2009).
4
Amy Heberle, Luke J. Rapa, and Flora Farago, “Critical consciousness in children and adolescents: A systematic review, critical assessment, and recommendations for future research,” Psychological Bulletin 146 (2020).
5
Neil Dempster, Elizabeth Stevens, and Mary Keeffe, “Student and Youth Leadership: A Focused Literature Review,” Leading and Managing 17, no. 2 (2011): 1–20; Jerusha Osberg Conner and Karen Strobel, “Leadership Development: An Examination of Individual and Programmatic Growth,” Journal of Adolescent Research 22, no. 3 (2007): 275–97, doi:10.1177/0743558407299698; Girl Scout Research Institute, “Change IT UP! What Girls Say About Redefining Leadership,” Girl Scout Research Institute (2008).
6
Christia Spears Brown and Ellen A. Stone, “Gender Stereotypes and Discrimination: How Sexism Impacts Development,” in Advances in Child Development and Behavior, vol. 50 (2016); Girl Scout Research Institute, “Change IT UP! What Girls Say About Redefining Leadership,” Girl Scout Research Institute (2008).
7
Christia Spears Brown et al., Gender in Childhood, Elements in Child Development (Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2020); Anne Fausto-Sterling, “A Dynamic Systems Framework for Gender/Sex Development: From Sensory Input in Infancy to Subjective Certainty in Toddlerhood,” Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, Cognitive Neuroscience Section 15 (2021), https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2021.613789/full; Kingsley M. Schroeder and Lynn S. Liben, "Felt Pressure to Conform to Cultural Gender Roles: Correlates and Consequences," Sex Roles 84, nos. 3–4 (2021).
8
Mary Shapiro, Diane Grossman, et al., “Middle School Girls and the ‘Leaky Pipeline’ to Leadership,” Middle School Journal 46, no. 5 (2015).
9
Shelley J. Correll. "Constraints into Preferences: Gender, Status, and Emerging Career Aspirations," American Sociological Review 69, no. 1 (2004); Allison Master, "Gender Stereotypes Influence Children’s STEM Motivation," Child Development Perspectives 15, no. 3 (2021).
10
D. Dinkel and K. Snyder, “Exploring gender differences in infant motor development related to parent’s promotion of play,” Infant Behavior and Development 59 (2020), doi:10.1016/j.infbeh.2020.10144; S. Eisen, S. E. Matthews, and J. Jirout, “Parents’ and children’s gendered beliefs about toys and screen media,” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 74, 101276 (2021), doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2021.101276; Tania King et al., “Gender stereotypes and biases in early childhood: A systematic review,” Australasian Journal of Early Childhood 46, no. 2 (2021); Rachel Ann King et al., “Counterstereotyping can change children’s thinking about boys’ and girls’ toy preferences,” Journal of Experimental Child Psychology 191 (March 2020), https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022096519303133.
11
Natasha Duell and Laurence Steinberg, “Adolescents take positive risks, too,” Developmental Review 62 (2021); Maria Olsson and Sarah E. Martiny, “Does Exposure to Counterstereotypical Role Models Influence Girls’ and Women’s Gender Stereotypes and Career Choices? A Review of Social Psychological Research,” Frontiers in Psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Section 9 (2018), https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02264/full; Albert Bandura et al., “Self-efficacy beliefs as shapers of children’s aspirations and career trajectories,” Child Development 72 (2001), https://www.scinapse.io/papers/2097934799.
12
Alyssa Croft et al., “The Second Shift Reflected in the Second Generation: Do Parents’ Gender Roles at Home Predict Children’s Aspirations?” Psychological Science 25, no. 7 (2014).
13
Karen D. Rudolph and Colleen S. Conley, “The Socioemotional Costs and Benefits of Social-Evaluative Concerns: Do Girls Care Too Much?” Journal of Personality 83 (2005).
14
Natasha Duell and Laurence Steinberg, “Adolescents take positive risks, too,” Developmental Review 62 (2021).
15
Anne M. Haase, “Domain-specificity in perfectionism: Variations across domains of life,” Personality and Individual Differences 55 (2013); Susanne Helfert and Petra Warschburger, “The face of appearance-related social pressure: Gender, age and body mass variations in peer and parental pressure during adolescence,” Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health 7, no. 16 (2013); Flóra Faragó et al., “Gender Typicality, Pressure to Conform to Gender Norms, and Anti-Fat and Appearance Stereotypes in Girls,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 51, no. 4 (2022).
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